Saturday, 2 April 2011

Sin... full moon... half moon... total eclipse....

Jupiter has 63 moons.

Greedy, don't you think?

Way out there in the vast vacuum that is space, it has 63 moons. Why? What does it do with them all day? Are they like marbles and it's a cosmic game in the playground of the solar system? Or are they Jupiter's children?

Now THERE'S a school run!

Does the fact that the planet is called a 'gas giant' mean that it's just a big ball of wind? Like Flatulent Freddy? Or Freddy the Fart as he was also known. Or simply 'The Fart'.

Freddy the Fart was the only man I have ever known, possibly the only man in existence, who, no matter what he eats, breaks wind constantly. From a bottom burp to blowing a gale (and Gale would certainly not be grateful) he had the whole range of wind related exhausts within his repertoire. On most occasions, it was just noise. Once or twice, or thrice, The Fart would deliver such a resounding, window shaking eruption that the whole room would look up, and those closest to him would vomit.

You could almost see the cloud of green gas.

Jupiter has 63 moons. Considering where the planet's and the person's Gaseous Giganticus similarities lie, we're pleased he hasn't had one moon. If he had, I would think certain of the more temperamental residents would ensure it was a total eclipse.

63 moons. I wonder if they're like Facebook friends. Each spouting random thoughts, changing their statuses and profile pictures a dozen times a day. Here's a photo of Titan sunning himself on the day side of the planet. Here's Io, acne erupting over its face like volcanoes spewing lava (or is that the other way round), skating on Saturn's rings. Jupiter herself Tweeting that she wishes she could get some housework done but all the children running around is making her head spin.

Our dear old Earth has but one moon and, seeing as how precious she is to us, what do we call her? Moon. As simple and unimaginative as that. Not Phobos. Not Titan or Kryton or Vulcan. Moon. Her hold upon us and this planet is such that she can affect the lee and the low of the oceans and rivers. Men can be transformed into werewolves (apparently), savage beasts that can be only be killed by a silver bullet piercing their heart. More than half of Dr Connors' pets owe their current situation to the lunar tick.

Wow. Imagine what state your mind would be in with 63 of the buggers circling overhead. And imagine what the sky would look like when those moons are full. The satellites would set it alight.

Jupiter, as I may have mentioned has 63 moons. We have just one. I think that's plenty, thanks.

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