Wednesday, 7 October 2015
Wednesday, 17 June 2015
Thursday, 27 November 2014
Wednesday, 30 April 2014
That ‘somewhere’ could be over the rainbow, wearing ruby slippers and running from the Wicked Witch. It could be in a dark alley, running from an attacker, hoping the shadows will hide you, protect you, wrap you in their cloak of warm night. Somewhere could be sprawled on a sofa watching Coronation Street, with a box of Maltesers and a cup of tea to keep you company, running from the stresses of the day.
Whatever the tensions or reliefs your life may pounce upon to leave at your feet like the half eaten remnants of cat for its beloved owner, you will always find yourself there.
Thursday, 17 April 2014
It's Easter soon. With it comes Easter bunnies, chicks and chocolate. I am, actually, looking forward to it.
Often, in here, a smidgeon of effort is thrown at holidays and the like. If that smidgeon sticks, bonus. If not, as is usually the case, it misses, leaving only a trace of said effort. The trace generally tends to be a bit too gloopy and so slides off leaving a pool of wishful thinking on the floor at our feet.
This Easter, however, Jeremy is involved. Much, I'm sure, to the irritation of Connors, Jezzer wants to put a smile on our faces. The weather outside has been as dismal as the food inside - grey and bland and uninspiring - and this has affected our moods. Now, you may think we're all happy and smiling and a-dancing all the day. We're not. Sorry to disappoint. Likewise, we're not entirely miserable, staring into space (or corners), staring at each other, not staring at anything because our eyes were closed and we were shambling about the Recreation Room bumping into thing.
That last one was Penny Pocket, the riotous rocket. She thought it would be funny to close her eyes and pretend she was blind. She shuffled around, not looking or caring where she was going. This was fine and even humorous until she happened to stand on Jersey's toes. Jersey, a dirty oil rag of a man and one of the more unpleasant orderlies, pushed her back with an angry shout and an angrier look.
Penny fell back, eyes still closed, laughing. Then she stumbled against one of the chairs. As they're bolted to the floor, the chair didn't move, so Penny fell sideways, her body twisting. She hit her head as the rest of her hit the floor. Penny Rocket was no longer as riotous as she had been. She also didn't need to pretend to be blind. The blow to her head had sorted that one for her. How generous.
Jersey thought it served her right. We all thought Jersey should be served. To a lion. Or cannibal. Or a rumbling volcano.
But good ol' Jeremy has come to our rescue this Easter. He, personally, bought everyone an Easter egg. Even when chocolate eggs can be had three for a fiver nowadays, it would still have been a substantial purchase. He's even gone so far as to remember Chloe is dairy intolerant so has to have a dairy free one and Boris Phenaligan, ex-pentathlete and substance abuser, only likes dark chocolate. Jeremy is like that. He knows you. He wants to know you. He wants to make your stay comfortable and as happy as it can be under the circumstances (you're in an asylum, fed slop and 'care' is something you'll have to look up in the dictionary)..
Jeremy knows I liked Minstrels. He's bought me an egg which comes with two bags of the sweets. Easter Sunday, when he'll give us our eggs, seems forever away.
Not only that, but he has organised an Easter hunt. I have no idea how he's managed to garner permission for such a thing, but little fluffy chicks and rabbits - not real ones, of course, are going to be hidden around the asylum. The Recreation Room, canteen, even the toilets will host tiny balls of fluffy fun.
Of course, this could backfire. I don't want to be pessimistic, simply realistic. We're dealing with people who, in many cases, are a little unhinged. The doorways to their psychoses are hanging wide open and anything could trigger those doors to slam shut unexpectedly. One person finds a chick and another wants it. One finds a bunny and another thinks the bunny is whispering to them. As Jeremy has announced a competition where the one who finds the most wins a prize (another egg), fisticuffs could break out among even the most placid of patients.
On the other hand, it may well be a roaring success. The competition could be viewed as everyone is a winner purely because we're able to do this in the first time. The eggs might be consumed without incident - no stealing, dropping, hoarding or coveting. It potentially could put a smile on our faces which will remain for quite some time, before Jersey, Connors or one of the others decides to do a little metaphorical dusting and wipes it off.
Who knows? Ask me another.
Either way, I like Minstrels. I'm happy. I hope you enjoy yours too.
Monday, 24 February 2014
Do you ever wake up disorientated? Wondering where you are? Who you are? Even, why you are? Do you wake up and something just doesn't feel right, as if someone rewrote your life and forgot to tell you to turn the page?
I had that feeling this morning.
I dreamt I was a fictional character, plucked from the odd ramblings of some strange man's musings. I dreamt I wasn't real and I only existed because he had breathed life into me through the tapping of the keys on his computer. They were the defibrillator jolting me from nothing into being. They were the bolt of lightning in the crazed laboratory of an aberrant mind.
I mean, he's have to be aberrant, wouldn't he? Whoever thought me up? I'm a lunatic, or so I tell people. I'm responsible for deaths. I'm responsible for so much despair.
Who'd want to create a character like that?
But, that was my dream. I wasn't real. I was made up. I was words on a page.
Have you ever felt like that?
It's a weird feeling, and it's echoed through me as the day has passed. Every so often, I'll look at my friends, Bender, Mucous and the others, and wonder if they're the same. I wonder if they ever feel like this or if they are like this.
Could I reach out from this imaginary world and rewrite myself? Could I backspace through all that I've done and erase it? I could bring back Joy. I could bring back everyone. I'd edit my life to make it less painful. More ordinary. More mundane.
That'd be fine. I don't want or need to be special. I've had enough of special. I want to wake in the morning and go to work. I want to walk my dog and kiss my wife and play with my children. I want to live on a river where swans float and geese occasionally get awkward and wander on to the road, just because they're feeling a little daredevil that day.
I don't want to feel the pain. i don't want to hear the screams. I don't want to cause the deaths.
But, it's not like that, is it. It never is. I suppose I wish to be fictional, because then, though it all seems so real, it wouldn't be. Then, whatever I think has happened, it hasn't. None of it has. If I was a made up character in the mind of a writer, that'd be fine, because, perhaps, he might take pity.
Not on me, I don't deserve anyone's pity. No. Maybe he'd pity those that have died. Maybe he'd feel sorry for those I've killed. Saying that, if I've killed them, so has he.
Maybe I'll wake up in the shower and it will all have been a dream, thanks to him taking a cue from an 80s soap.
Still. I feel... less substantial.
Hey, if you're out there, at least get rid of my grey, won't you?
Monday, 30 December 2013
"A cannonball," she said. "It could come crashing in through that window and we could all escape. All except Jack Sparrow, of course. He's got to wait for his ship."
"Who would fire the cannon?" I asked.
It was an interesting method of escape and one I'd actually not thought of myself. Cannonballs were difficult to get your hands on in an asylum and I didn't think the Black Pearl would chance by, there being a distinct lack of ocean and all.
"Well, maybe Captain Jack wouldn't have to wait for his ship at all! It might be out there waiting. It might fire the cannonball for him to escape and we could get out too!"
I didn't want to mention my previously mentioned lack of ocean. It often didn't pay to put to many obstacles in the way of her thoughts. She'd freewheel through fantasies and ideas like a gymnastic jester, all tumbling arms and careening legs.
I also didn't want to mention the lack of Captain Jack Sparrow and his mighty ship. Surely they'd be cruising the Caribbean awaiting the release of the next sequel's sequel's sequel. If she thought the good Cap'ain was here then I wasn't going to say anything to the contrary. I'd leave that to Contrary Maurice (invariably called Mary purely for the flow), who'd swear white was black and night was day even at noon in the middle of a snowstorm in December.
Besides, Alexandra, who didn't really mind being called Alex but pretended she hated it (she'd always tip me a wink when she was raging at the latest victim to fall foul of accidentally abbreviating her name), came up with some mightily inventive escape plans and, one day, one of them might actually work. It seemed she was the Recreation Room's sole escape committee. She was Steve McQueen, Donald Pleasance and that guy from Sapphire and Steel all rolled into one, and I bet she knew how to ride a motorbike too.
Alex (forgive me), of the deep red hair and deeper eyes, and of the laugh that was wicked, dirty and sly in equal measure, was my light on the darkest day. When the screams were close to deafening me and the shadows were threatening to suffocate me, Alex was there to scatter my darkness's minions like leaves on the wind.
I questioned her residency of the asylum. She didn't strike me as insane or a danger to anyone. She was, simply, imaginative. Perhaps she did live in a world a whisper away from this one, populated by imaginary ship's captains and cannonballs that came out of nowhere, but that didn't mean she was diddly-dolally. It only meant she was eccentric. Plenty of people were a little left of centre and some ran the country!
I asked her, once, in an attempt to ignore the curves that were difficult to ignore (even in the pseudo-scrubs we were forced to wear), what she would do if she was in charge of the country.
"Nothing," she answered.
"We're in a mess anyway," she said, smiling her smile. "Each party inherits the mistakes of the one before. How can you do anything with a pile of doggy-do-do that's been dumped by a hound the size of a country?"
I frowned, unable to answer.
"I'd let the people decide. Pumps or heels."
"Pumps or heels?"
"Yes, I'd let the people decide which was best when the Enterprise came down to beam us out!"
She said this in a tone that implied the word 'Silly' was silently added to the end.
Alex for PM, I say. Let her sail around the coast in the Black Pearl firing cannonballs at anyone who wasn't carrying a pooper-scooper.
Works for me.